If the words “testicles”, “shaved” and “balls” offends you or make you cringe, stop reading now. Seriously. There’s nothing graphic, but if you’d rather not read it feel free to bounce.

.

.

.

.

.

Pacey had turned three and Tara and I were talking about if we wanted another kid or not. After all we both have two younger siblings and were used to a five person family. After a few discussions at night we decided that yeah, we were done (it was also advised after Pacey that Tara shouldn’t try to have another kid). The fact we got Buster around this time in no way impacted our decisions (it totally impacted our decision).

So I did my research, found out what it would cost and located a place to get it done at. I asked some of my friends who had the procedure done what it was like and for the most part I heard the ordeal was mostly painless. A little stinging when the shots are injected but that’s about it. My buddies also told me to get a few bags of frozen peas to sit on after. So sitting on frozen peas while on pain killers didn’t sound like a bad way to recover.

When I called to make the appointment I wasn’t sure what I’d get. I thought I’d have to see the doctor before, but instead they directed me to their website that had the information. Before I hung up I was told to make sure I was well shaved before arriving. Apparently they don’t do that for you anymore, and to be honest having a stranger shave my testicles seemed odd to me. The appointment was set, the only thing I had to do was prepare.

shaving-cream-man-o

I had scheduled the procedure the few days before my 10 year anniversary with Tara. In hindsight I should have waited, but I really thought I’d be close to 90% recovered. I would be wrong. I also told my Operations Manager at work I’d be back in a few hours and ready to rock it (though slightly on pain killers). After all I work from home in a chair, how could something like that stop me from working? I would be wrong.

V-Day

The day arrived and I was shaved, even did a quick once over in the shower that morning. I didn’t want any complaints about not doing a satisfactory job and having to reschedule. Tara and I dropped the kids off at her mom’s and we got to the hospital office. After a few pages of paperwork I watched the waiting room to see if there were any other guys that might be there for the same procedure I was there for. After scanning the room I determined the average age (excluding me) to be about 60, and most of them were in wheelchairs accompanied by family.

When my name was called to go back Tara said she’d wait and an elderly man in a blue robe winked at me and said, “Good luck”. I appreciated the additional support.

I was taken back to a room by Nurse No Soul, when she opened the door I turned to ask if I should undress and put on a gown to which she closed the door. So I sat on the table and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited until she finally returned. “You don’t need to put on a gown, just take off your pants and whatever you have on underneath.” I do as she commands as she gets a medical sheet of some sort out, I’m assuming it’s to cover my lower half. “Oh good you have on boxers.” Nurse No Soul says. Do guys not wear underwear to this sort of thing? I immediately imagine zipping up with stitches on my testicles and visibly cringe.

DoeFaim

I’m told to sit down and lie back, Nurse No Soul covers my lower half with the sheet and inspects my shaving. After getting the kit ready for the vasectomy she turns to me.

“The doctor will be in momentarily.”

“K.”

And so I wait, laying on a semi-warm table in a very cold room with only a thin medical sheet to keep my lower body warm.

Not long after Nurse No Soul leaves I start counting the tiles on the ceiling, I get to 35 when Doctor Kevorkian walks in.

“Hi there, let me just check to make sure we’re okay to start this.”

He says very quickly as he dons gloves and immediately grabs my testicles.

“Uhh, are we still doing this today?”

“I’m sure we’re are, I’m just making sure the tubes are in the right spot. If they aren’t we’ll have to arrange something else.”

Arrange something else? Will I have to lie down on my stomach? Will I have to lift one leg higher than the other? Am I getting put in a swing? About this time he finds the tubes and *tugs* on them, a few times. I begin to jerk and grip the table tightly and exhale a few “oofs!”

“Yep, these are in a great location. We’ll get started.”

I’ve been kicked and hit in the balls before, and I now know where most of that pain comes from. Had he yanked on those tubes any more I might have thrown my back out from squirming.

“Okay, you read about this on our site right?”

“Yeah” (though none of it mentioned you tugging on me)

“You’ll feel three stings in your testicles, sort of like hornet stings. We’ll wait a bit and then get started.”

“Uh, okay.” (I’ve never been stung in the testicles by a hornet though)

“Okay. One, two three. Big stick”

It hurts, all three times it hurts but nothing above I haven’t experienced before. I’ve had several lipomas taken out of my back, so I’ve had similar shots and have had to wait a bit for the numbing of the area to commence.

The worst part is over I’m thinking. I just have to lie here and thinking about something else for a while.

After several minutes the good doctor speaks up again.

“Alright that should be long enough. You may feel some pressure and tugging, all of it is perfectly natural.”

Dr. Kevorkian makes his first cut.

Suddenly this INTENSE burning sensation emits from my testicles. My eyes feel like they are watering, I grip the table and let out a very audible “OOHHH”.

“You felt that?”

“Yes, I felt that.”

jim-carrey-liar-liar-oh-come-on-angry-its-enough

He grabs some gauze and holds it to the incision. “We’ll wait a little longer.”

Now after this ordeal I talked to a few of the guys who said it didn’t go well for them. One of them said the same thing happened to him. But he made the doctor stop, and he came back several weeks later to do it again. This might seem like the thing to do, but I was already there. I had prepared, the shots were given and the cut was made. I didn’t want to go through this again.

Maybe waiting a little more would take care of the pain I felt. I would be wrong.

He started again and again I made painful noises.

“I need you to breathe, just breathe, remember to breathe.”

I start breathing heavily and grip the table as he manipulates his instruments and mine to get to the tubes. I start wondering why he hasn’t clipped them yet.

YOU JUST FOUND THEM?! DID YOU LOSE THEM? HAVE I WRONGED YOU SOME HOW???

I feel everything and then he decides to stop and provide me with more numbing agents. THREE MORE SHOTS.

Finally he finds the tube on the right side and puts the clamps in place. It starts off with a little pressure, then more, Then More, THEN MORE AND MORE AND MORE JUST CLIP IT ALREADY WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR!!!!

BUSH DID 9/11

I MEMORIZED 7 BRIDES FOR 7 BROTHERS

I TOOK THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR

JAR JAR BINKS WAS AMAZING

WHAT ARE THEY PAYING YOU I’LL DOUBLE IT

AND THEN SUDDENLY

cutting-a-wire-o

Sweet relief. The pressure is gone, and I’m actually feeling pretty relaxed. I lean my head up and see a little smoke and smelling something burning. Oh yeah, he’s burning ends of the cut tube.

I get a little too relaxed and grip the table again when he starts in on the left side. Oh yeah, I’ve got two testicles.

By this point the numbing is kicking in and this side isn’t as bad as the other side. Though when he clips the tube I’m in just as much pain as before.

He stiches me up and asks me to hold the gauze while he leaves for a bit. I hold the gauze and just breathe. I wait.

It’s all over

ezgif-2845925461

Nurse No Soul comes back and moves my hands for me to inspect the work. Everything looks fine, I’ll go get your wife.

Tara comes back, and to be honest I don’t know what she was expecting, but she looks at me expecting me to be perfectly fine and I’m not. The nurse says I can get up and get dressed, Tara helps me up as the nurse leaves. I remove the gauze and blood drips from my stiches to the floor. Thinking back it wasn’t a lot, but after what I just went through I wasn’t expecting that.

“TARA GET THE NURSE!”

Tara quickly leaves and comes back with the nurse. The nurse inspects me again.

“That’s perfectly natural, it will leak for 10-15 minutes. Any longer just come back and see us.”

Gee that would’ve been nice to know.

I walk out to the car and stuff as much gauze into my boxers as I can while we leave to get the boys. Tara asks me if I’m hungry and I hand her the pain pill prescription as I lean back.

“Daddy are you okay?” the boys ask

“I will be, I will be.”

After we get the pills and head home I grab a bag of frozen peas and carrots from the fridge and go to my office. I sit there for about 3 minutes staring at my email and messages. I answer the email I have, message my Operations Manager and let her know I’ll be out for the rest of the day. She said she’s not surprised and to take it easy.

I pop another pain pill and turn on Dr. Who on Netflix.

Recovering

The rest of the day is a mix of Dr. Who and swapping out the frozen pea and carrot bags and checking email. Oh yeah, and sleep.

6a6f1ef17505388ee45afef4fcfd1300

The next day I feel a lot better, and the day after even more so. I was told my testicles would be severely black and blue in a few days. But I must have forgotten. When I got in the shower on the third day and looked down I was not prepared for that array of colors.

It was as if I was getting ready to paint a midnight scene using just my testicles. This went away, but the initial shock was something I’ll always remember.

The boys wanted to play (more so than usual it seemed, it’s like they have a sixth sense. HEY DAD IS HURT LETS TO DOGPILE HIM!) and I had to say not just yet or suggested we play a board game.

I was in actual “I need to just sit for a few hours” pain for a day or so. After that it was a slight limp walking, and back to pretty normal activity within a week.

Would I do this again? If I were able to prepare and research the actual doctor who would be doing the procedure again, you bet.

It’s a way my wife and I never have to worry about using contraceptives or wondering if they failed. She went through a lot more than I ever will with our two awesome kids and would gladly do this again if she needed me to.

Don’t let this piece deter you from getting one if you and your significant other are talking about it. The majority of guys that get this done don’t have issues or mishaps like I had. Yet still…

wirXNSF

Do what I didn’t do, ASK QUESTIONS. It really isn’t a big deal, excruciating pain or no pain. Once it’s over, you’ll never have to deal with it again…unless it reverses itself. If which case enjoy this kitten .gif:

EdnzRq8

Thanks for reading!